INVOLUNTARY

I refuse to be responsible in trying to mend something which YOU broke.

In case point, *something* refers to the HEART. I got this off Grey's Anatomy and honestly it made so much of sense to me. 


Just when you're trying to mend everything that's wrong. You get a feeling.

Numbness.

That feeling you get when you don't know what to feel. 

Wait. Lemme rephrase that. 

It's the feeling you get when you're content with NOT feeling anything. I wonder who came up with the word NUMB. Anyhow, that's how I'm feeling at the moment. Loads has being going on and sometimes you just feel you have had enough. Just because I choose not to react to something it doesn't mean I actually do not care. I do care, I just don't care enough to react. Or I probably think it's just a waste of my time to react to something so stupid.


A reaction will only provoke a series of reactions and my life is wonderful enough without the consequences of every reaction. 


I feel numb. I feel incapacitated. If a year ago, a little pebble would have been enough to send me to the boiling point, now, even boulders leave me calm. Rocks as big as the friggin' *i don't know how big* just leave me with even more to ponder about. I don't have laser retorts to everything that's being shot at me. 


That's when I realized, that I'm just probably going through this Numb phase. The phase where I choose to just sit back, relax and watch everything that's going on around me and everything that's happening without reacting to it. It feels much more calmer.


When I say calm, I'm actually comparing myself to the *ME* a year ago. I don't think I'm very happy these days. I mean. I am happy but just not as happy as I used to be. I find myself laughing whilst I'm in the company of my friends and family but other than that, I feel quite alone. 


I used to be very content with being by myself but now I find myself wiling my time away watching TV or Facebooking. I succumb myself to things that don't require me to think much. If i think too much, I end up crying myself to sleep. I'm holding back on the tears that can't fall and I'm holding on to a heart that refuses to break so that I can mend it back again.