I'm Broken Into Pieces.....

Waking up early in the morning, i was kinda excited because today there is a small reunion with my closest friends... I was actually kinda scared how to make it to the reunion because I didn ask my parents' permission yet... Once i dropped off my parents at work, I just splutter out, "Dad, can i join my friend's reunion today?"... Amazingly, daddy said "Yes ok, take care, drive carefully...".. Overjoyed I drove back home, trying to finish off all those house works, laundries and a small cooking session, i get ready for the reunion... As usual, my hair! Kept on giving me problems.. Haiz, regardless how the hair dresser messed up my hair yesterday altough I said not too short, and it ended up like she left only 5mm of hair on my head (wonder hw wud she cut my hair if i never mention not too short).. Hate it...

-back to the story-

Reaching the coffee shop, i was kinda nervous, God Knows Why... My ex is there as well, i knew it earlier actually... But what the heck right? I wanna meet my friends.. Not that bitch.. I need to show the face reaction of mine saying, I AM OVER YOU, HONEY...

I went into the place, n spotted the table where 4 of them sitting, they saw me walking in and i just get myself a sit there... I really wanted to hugg each of them real tight! Missed them so much... In my bag, I bought each person a small gift... As i reaching my hand for the gifts in my bag, my close friend, Mr.L asked me, WHO INVITED U HERE ANYWAY? ARE U MISPLACED OR WAT... DID WE CALLED U HERE?

My heart went into pieces at once... I felt like am I dreaming or what... Their face turned out to be like unpleased that I am there... I was stunned for a moment, rendered speechless, I was invited by them, and why are they talking like this... Mr G said "Omg, look at who's here...Unbelievable..!"

Then, i knew they were mad that I never turn out to their previous hangout... Seriously i know i cant make it because they held it at a pub, n I m highly forbidden from being there... I told them that my Dad don't give me the permission. They seemed cool about it, but now they are taking revenge.. But, which friend on this earth will take revenge on another friend... I seriously felt like a big stone is being dropped in my heart... They stopped talking a while... I knew I have to make a move, I just said, "Hmmm i left my wallet in the car, excuse me".. I never talk this formal with them... But now they just seem like bunch of strangers to me.. No more love in their eyes, none of them said HI.. What am I supposed to do... I just walk away from the place into my car... Once inside the car, I broke down, I knew if i stayed there a little longer, I would have embarrassed myself, crying in front of people... I took the gifts n just put it on the counter and asked the waiter to pass it to their table.. I cant take back those gifts back home... It was for them... And i texted one of them, saying " Dude, I'm not feeling quite well, u guys carry on please...N Thanks..." I switched off my phn n drove back home... I was thinking that is the best move I can do at that situation..

I never want to be a reason for them to pull the reunion to a dull one... Thinking of all this n crying all over it, I reached home.. I could'nt actually remember how i drove back, I didn even remember pressing the accelerator, pressing the brake or even changing the gears.. All i know is I reached home n then I asked myself how did I drove here.. I don't remember seeing any traffic lights also, and even the roads.. It was a 20km journey and i don't even remember a single road i passed by n i don't recall stopping at any of the 8 traffic lights along the way... I should blame myself for being so out of focus... Seriously, I am all broken and dismantled..

I guess I just lost my closest friends... I am really sorry if u guys think that I am thinking bad of u all, I don't know whether u guys will read this or not but I just want u all to know that I love each one of u so much.. Even now, I am not angry or what, I am just broken into pieces of the way guys treated me after all this years we have been together, through all those ups and downs...

I am broken.. =(

Change Isn't Always Good

Ever thought that some day you might just look back and think, DANG, that sure wasn't worth it.

But sometimes, the point is not whether or not it was worth it gaining something, but losing something else in the process. The point is, that you're learning from your mistakes, and you know that even if a meteor hit you in the face you probably would never make the same mistake.

Life is short. I'm not just quoting someone. I really mean that life is short.

You think you have your whole life ahead of you and then one day when you wake up, you just realise, that time is your enemy. 19 today, 20 this year, 30 in ten years. Tt's the blady big 3-0.

Where are you headed from there on end? What you do today might not even be important twenty years down the road. That's why people say time heals. Fight with your BFF today and twenty years down the road, you're mature adults willing to let go of the feud.

Feelings will change. Priorities will change. Love will change. Perspectives, outlooks, grievances. ALL these things will change.

And the best part, we won't even realise that we're changing, what more what caused the change.

Think about it.

DANCING HEART AND SOUL....

If there is something that I am EXTREMELY PASSIONATE about in the world, that would be DANCE...!!! Its something that i love doing it so much.. Seriously, if thers any beat music playing, either my hands or my foot will start to move and follow the beat... Not forgetting, if the music was tremendously awesome, sorry people, i will lose control... I will fall into this My-Own-World-.... But to be frank, i feel shy sometimes to dance in front of people.. But dancing on the stage is different, u noe why? Supposedly there are spotlights, u cant just see the audience... hahaha.. so theres no getting freaking-nervous...

The musics got me going higher as I feel like I can touch the sky...
Its taking me higher, higher....Higher off the ground...hahaha.. biasa la over excited...
Practically i wasnt a born dance lover.. It was wen i was in form5, i joined a group to do a simple performance for a wedding reception.. Well since then, i just love dance.. Mainly because people always says dat i got the style and have my good expression n moves... It inspires me.. What else inspire us more than some supportive sentences rite?

This is a picture of my group wen we dance for this couple's wedding reception...




It was really a nice experience.. But i tell u one thing! the costume and the dance steps did not go together.. i mean, ther was a shawl for us to put on..luckily we pin it, but some of the steps is jumping steps rite, then the shawl kept on hitting my face.. Getting irritated, i pull it n choke my neck.. LOL!! I acted steady n pulled it back wen moving to another step.. It is really funny that this thing happened... Just wen u dun expect something to happen, it tends to just happen on time without failing.. God knows why.... HAHAHA...

Being Heart Broken, I Should Really Thank You......

Everything I know about love
I learned from you,
And everything I know about pain
I learned from you,
You were my only,You were my first
You showed me lonely, and you took me in when I was hurt
But the most important thing you ever gave me
Was the one that hurt the most
So thank you for the broken heart,
And thank you for the permanent scar,
'Cause if it wasn’t for you, I might forget
How it feels to let go, and how it feels to get a brand new start
So thank you for the broken heart
I still remember when you called
And said that he didn’t mean anything
How could you expect me to look at you
The same way
You were my only but not my last
You showed me lonely, and you made me put you in the past
But the most important thing you ever gave me
Was the one that hurt the most
So thank you for the broken heart,
And thank you for the permanent scar,
'Cause if it wasn’t for you, I might forget
How it feels to let go, and how it feels to get a brand new start
So thank you for the broken heart
And every time I find myself alone in pieces
I find myself
I’ll just remember when you hurt me and I made it
So thank you for the broken heart
And thank you for the permanent scar
Cause if it wasn’t for you, I wouldn’t be here
With the love of my life, all my pain disappear
I’ve come so far
So thank you for the broken heart

I'll never have a broken heart again

Letting You Go....~~~ I Am Walking Away....

God.

I dunno what is wrong with me and why I'm feeling this way.

What am I feeling?

Oh. Just the usual.

Depressed. Agonized. Traumatized.

I woke up in cold sweat today morning, not knowing what caused the breakout. There's been so many random things going on, that there just isn't much sense talking about it. Maybe I'm just so sick of my life at the moment and I just can't find the will to go another day. It's the same old thing, I felt two years ago.

Everything keeps coming back, just when I was starting to get my life in shape.

This was me. Two years ago.

And right now, I just can't put my finger on the exact reason why I'm feeling so depressed. I'm avoiding all my thoughts for now, and I barely leave myself alone for even a minute, because I'm so afraid, I might end up thinking too much, and before you know it, You'll be reading my crematory ad in the Star Newspaper.

I'm keeping myself occupied. Very, very occupied. I try to wake up later than usual, so that I have to rush and do stuff, I shower longer than usual. I have removed all pills, whatsoever from my viscinity and I'm just praying I stay sane enough to get back to my normal hyper self.

I'm not meant to be depressed.

  Dave = Hyper.

NOT depressed.........!!!

I successfully fit all the major symptoms of depression and I'm majorly on a crying spree. That's what I've been doing mostly because I'm so sick of myself at the moment. I thought I've been over everything and that self-destructive part of me would never surface again, but, I was wrong.

This one's for you : (

Everytime I look back on our relationship ( I don't have a proper word for it seeing as we never got together, but came pretty close to doing so) it's always just problems and our incessant arguing. It seems like problems were basically what defined our entire relationship. In the first half, it was because you were controlling me TOO much and I wasn't very happy with that. Towards the end, it was because you were not controlling me at all, that I just didn't seem to care about you anymore, and I wasn't very happy with that either. We had a fall out. I messed up. I don't deny that.


All throughout everything we've ever been through, we've been arguing. Because you cared. But one day you just stopped caring. And so the arguing stopped.

Despite that, I think what you and I had was really what would have made a good relationship. The fact that we were never static.

"If there’s one thing I learnt from all this, it’s that I was horribly mistaken. I thought imperfections soil a relationship. I thought they shaken the very foundation of a relationship and it is a shameful thing, a thing that ought to be tucked away from the light.

But now I realize that arguments, problems and tears … that’s what you call a perfect relationship."

Back to my point, we were never static. We fought, cried, laughed, hated each other's guts, made up, pissed each other off, did horrible things to one another, loved, lost it, loved again, more crying ... but we were doing so great together. Even as best friends.

And then it all stopped. And indifference filled the void.

That's why I broke down.

I've known you for 4 years.4 years is a very long time. We shared a life together, and traces of that life can be seen everywhere. They're all within an arm's reach, mentally and physically.

I'm a usual figure at ur family events, ur is the object of adoration for my family. All that connection and ties are still around.

We've been through so much , ups and downs, given up so much for the other.
We've had a lot of history together, you can tell just by reading my 5 diaries. We were really close and at one point, we could have really just gotten married there and then. We were both that emotionally prepared to spend the rest of our lives together.

Truth be told, even right now, I feel like I can. If u proposed to me right now, part of me feels like I can take this shit. I still love u, I do. But the other part, the bigger part of the 19-year-old me right now ... is why I'm letting u go.
 
I need to let you go. Because if i don't, I won't be living my life. I'll be living what's left of the pieces of memories i can resurrect of you.
 
I love my life. I love everything I have right now. I'm supposed to be happy. I WANT to be happy. I'm not saying you're at fault. I'm not saying you're not. Heck, I don't even know if you realize my existence anymore and the thing is, right now, that doesn't matter anymore.
 
Because, for the first time in my life, cutting my wrist seemed like such a stupid thing to do. Even when I did it two years ago, it did not hit me in the gut, and I did not wake up feeling depressed even after three days. Because, all I needed was attention, two years ago. Now, I don't want that attention. I just want this feeling of emptiness to go away. I want this void to go away. I want to feel like me again. I want to laugh, I want to cry, I want to live my life for me. Not live my life in hope that you'll come back to me some day.

I'm not saying you're the reason I'm depressed. I'm not saying you were a reason for me to hurt myself. There were, of course, other reasons. You weren't the trigger. But, you were the pain that flooded afterwards.
 
Right now, what's more depressing than anything is the fact that I don't KNOW if I can FEEL me anymore. I'm dying, and trying to be normal again. Not because I have to. But because I want to.

I can't suffocate any longer.
 
I'm letting you go, for me.........

NEVER GIVE UP ON ANYTHING

Its Madness....


To hate all roses, because you got scratched by one thorn.

To give up all your dreams, because one did not come true.

To lose faith in prayers, because one was not answered.

To give up on your efforts, because one of them failed.

To condemn all your friends, because one of them betrayed.

Not to believe in love, because someone was unfaithful.

Remember that, another chance may come up.

A new friend, A new love, A new life.

Never give up on anything!

FEELINGS... HOW MESSY THEY CAN GET.....

We are all slaves to love. If a human is unable to love, he won't be termed as a human in the first place. Love is inseparable from humans. It is love that binds one to another, the same love that binds to God. Even hatred is a form of love. You can never hate someone whom you do not care at all. If you look at it close enough, hatred is a form of intense love that has been diverted, disguised, and betrayed by your eyes and heart.

I have had my ups and downs in Love. I have witnessed true love. But I came across this particular character who had so much of obstinacy than love. If I rewind the months, I saw the same obstinacy just as I am witnessing again in that person. Being stubborn in an issue is al-right. But how can one be just obstinate all along the way. In order for things to work out, a person first has to give and take. Secondly, understand a person from their perspectives and be mindful of the surroundings. A relationship doesn't work without commitment and understanding. And what was the best is showing the same obstinacy in almost every single issue. I do not like any form of selfishness, obstinacy or even a single act that you call it modernity, but totally wrong to the eyes of the onlookers. This is why I  gave the person up, I made sure the truth was forked out, and I ironed things out. I am not a person who lives any kind of way. I know this is very wrong to blog  about. I will cut it short. I made my decision long time ago when I took back the purple heart. 

I do not hate this person but thanks, I did learn something. And everything is back to normal.