I dunno what is wrong with me and why I'm feeling this way.
What am I feeling?
Oh. Just the usual.
Depressed. Agonized. Traumatized.
I woke up in cold sweat today morning, not knowing what caused the breakout. There's been so many random things going on, that there just isn't much sense talking about it. Maybe I'm just so sick of my life at the moment and I just can't find the will to go another day. It's the same old thing, I felt two years ago.
Everything keeps coming back, just when I was starting to get my life in shape.
This was me. Two years ago.
And right now, I just can't put my finger on the exact reason why I'm feeling so depressed. I'm avoiding all my thoughts for now, and I barely leave myself alone for even a minute, because I'm so afraid, I might end up thinking too much, and before you know it, You'll be reading my crematory ad in the Star Newspaper.
I'm keeping myself occupied. Very, very occupied. I try to wake up later than usual, so that I have to rush and do stuff, I shower longer than usual. I have removed all pills, whatsoever from my viscinity and I'm just praying I stay sane enough to get back to my normal hyper self.
I'm not meant to be depressed.
Dave = Hyper.
NOT depressed.........!!!
I successfully fit all the major symptoms of depression and I'm majorly on a crying spree. That's what I've been doing mostly because I'm so sick of myself at the moment. I thought I've been over everything and that self-destructive part of me would never surface again, but, I was wrong.
This one's for you : (
Everytime I look back on our relationship ( I don't have a proper word for it seeing as we never got together, but came pretty close to doing so) it's always just problems and our incessant arguing. It seems like problems were basically what defined our entire relationship. In the first half, it was because you were controlling me TOO much and I wasn't very happy with that. Towards the end, it was because you were not controlling me at all, that I just didn't seem to care about you anymore, and I wasn't very happy with that either. We had a fall out. I messed up. I don't deny that.
All throughout everything we've ever been through, we've been arguing. Because you cared. But one day you just stopped caring. And so the arguing stopped.
Despite that, I think what you and I had was really what would have made a good relationship. The fact that we were never static.
"If there’s one thing I learnt from all this, it’s that I was horribly mistaken. I thought imperfections soil a relationship. I thought they shaken the very foundation of a relationship and it is a shameful thing, a thing that ought to be tucked away from the light.
But now I realize that arguments, problems and tears … that’s what you call a perfect relationship."
Back to my point, we were never static. We fought, cried, laughed, hated each other's guts, made up, pissed each other off, did horrible things to one another, loved, lost it, loved again, more crying ... but we were doing so great together. Even as best friends.
And then it all stopped. And indifference filled the void.
That's why I broke down.
I've known you for 4 years.4 years is a very long time. We shared a life together, and traces of that life can be seen everywhere. They're all within an arm's reach, mentally and physically.
I'm a usual figure at ur family events, ur is the object of adoration for my family. All that connection and ties are still around.
We've been through so much , ups and downs, given up so much for the other.
We've had a lot of history together, you can tell just by reading my 5 diaries. We were really close and at one point, we could have really just gotten married there and then. We were both that emotionally prepared to spend the rest of our lives together.
Truth be told, even right now, I feel like I can. If u proposed to me right now, part of me feels like I can take this shit. I still love u, I do. But the other part, the bigger part of the 19-year-old me right now ... is why I'm letting u go.
I need to let you go. Because if i don't, I won't be living my life. I'll be living what's left of the pieces of memories i can resurrect of you.
I love my life. I love everything I have right now. I'm supposed to be happy. I WANT to be happy. I'm not saying you're at fault. I'm not saying you're not. Heck, I don't even know if you realize my existence anymore and the thing is, right now, that doesn't matter anymore.
Because, for the first time in my life, cutting my wrist seemed like such a stupid thing to do. Even when I did it two years ago, it did not hit me in the gut, and I did not wake up feeling depressed even after three days. Because, all I needed was attention, two years ago. Now, I don't want that attention. I just want this feeling of emptiness to go away. I want this void to go away. I want to feel like me again. I want to laugh, I want to cry, I want to live my life for me. Not live my life in hope that you'll come back to me some day.
I'm not saying you're the reason I'm depressed. I'm not saying you were a reason for me to hurt myself. There were, of course, other reasons. You weren't the trigger. But, you were the pain that flooded afterwards.
Right now, what's more depressing than anything is the fact that I don't KNOW if I can FEEL me anymore. I'm dying, and trying to be normal again. Not because I have to. But because I want to.
I can't suffocate any longer.
I'm letting you go, for me.........
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